Looking For A Friend Bear (1)

Be With Someone Not Because You Love Them…

During the recent 2019 year end, I had ample opportunity to head out and socialise since most of my clients were away on vacation.

These nights out gave me a chance to dance (betcha didn’t know that I used to rave to trance music!) but also allowed me to observe the people I meet.

It’s interesting how much someone is willing to pour their heart out to an absolute stranger who they’ve been introduced to only 10-minutes ago.

One of the things that these individuals share in common is the fear of being alone. They could be single or they could be in a relationship, but it is the same fear that drives them to seek happiness from a night out.

How so?

The single person would most probably be out with their friends or colleagues. But the moment that they meet someone who they take an interest in, they will swap going out with friends or colleagues with this new person.

The person in a relationship wouldn’t be out every weekend, if the relationship they have is smooth. An occasional drink with buddies or colleagues is normal. But to be drinking past sobriety every Friday or Saturday night instead of being home with the partner spells troubles in the relationship.

At the crux of it, one of the things most humans seek is a partner to love them, or to love.

This is only natural — humans are not meant to be alone. From the time that we were born into this world, we have been surrounded by other humans.

We’ve shared almost every moment of our lives with someone. Along the way, we desire to create and share moments with one special person, just like our parents did.

We will meet many people as we journey through life. We meet them at school. We meet them at work. We meet them when we travel.

And it is very easy to be attracted or feel some form of connection to each person that we meet, whether we are single or not.

However, that’s not the way to welcome love in your life.

You see,

Love isn’t about how someone makes you feel less alone.

Or having someone to talk to. Or having someone to watch a movie or have a meal with. Or having someone to look good for.

Friends can also make you feel less alone, they can also be someone to talk to, someone to watch a movie or have a meal with, someone to look good for.

So if you’re looking for someone because you’re afraid to be alone or don’t like to be lonely, the reality is that you aren’t alone at all, because majority of the population are the same!

Yes, you’re allowed your *mind-blown* moment here.

But if you hop into a relationship with someone who gives you more than 10-minutes of attention, know that this is a relationship that is doomed to failure.

This is a relationship built on the fear of being alone and on a need to not be alone. Once this fear is gone, what else will keep the two of you together?

I may not be an expert in relationships since I’m divorced. But being divorced could also mean that I know something about relationships because I made the choice to leave an unhappy situation rather than stay in it.

So here are my insights from a marriage that lasted almost nine years, followed by a few unsuccessful dates after the divorce.

True love is when:

  • You’re willing to hold his/her hair or head while he/she is throwing up from food poisoning or at the end of a night out with the boys/girls.
  • You’re willing to wash the soiled sheets after a bad case of diarrhoea.
  • You’re willing to take time out of your tight schedule to deliver soup, juices or medication as he/she is in bed from sickness.
  • You carefully change bandages and clean wounds from an accident.
  • You prop him/her up and walk to the toilet, assisting with showering, shampooing, and passing of motion when he/she is too weak to do so by themselves.
  • You read to them, feed them, change their clothes, massage their limbs, because they’re unable to do so.
  • You adore them despite their scars, cellulite, stretch marks, flabby tummy/thighs, freckles and wrinkles.
  • You stay, even when they burp or pass wind in your presence.
  • You aren’t embarrassed about letting your friends and family know about him/her, no matter the circumstances of your relationship.
  • All you want is for them to be happy every day, even if it means that the happiness is not created or shared with you.

A true relationship is when both of you are willing to see each other at your worst, and still stay with each other.

There aren’t any recriminations (“You should have done this!”, “You shouldn’t have done that!”, “You could have said this.” etc), no matter what happens. Only an acceptance of the situation and of the person in the situation, and choosing to love this person anyway.

So, don’t be with someone because you love them—love the way they look, love the way they talk, love the way they make you feel.

Be with someone because you’re willing to stick with them, even through their worst moments.

Wishing you true and lasting love.